NHStart

Thank you for downloading NHStart™. Before you start consulting, please read these instructions carefully and follow the correct patient procedures. Keep these instructions safe for future reference.

Caution: If you consult your virtual doctor for long periods, take a 10 to 15 minute break every hour or so.

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NHStart your healthcare journey!

Welcome and enter the topsy-turvy world of NHStart™, the sequel to the critically acclaimed NHS redirect. Navigate the maze of various automated healthcare algorithms to reach a mutually agreed clinical management plan.

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24-7 symptomplus+™

Chest pain? Shortness of breath? Smartphone addiction? Enter your symptoms carefully to see if they perfectly match any of our textbook presentation clinical pathways. Remember our efficient closed-question clerking system will only accept binary YES/NO responses. Full 24-7 out of hours (OOH) support requires an additional in-app purchase.

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You shall not pass!

Forget Gandalf, defeat the gatekeeper to encounter the wizard of the modern era. If the gatekeeper is too difficult, you can advance by spending HealthGold™ coins to purchase a referral to access whichever wizard you think you need to see. Remember to save your progress regularly as medical records are not automatically shared across services. Refunds unavailable.

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Exclusive content

Experience the immersive dynamics of the inverse care law. Book exclusive appointments only available to patients who play NHStart™ and are physically or mentally able to use our technology.

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Don’t wait until it’s too late!

Just can’t wait any longer? Well, what are you waiting for? Experience healthcare like never before by downloading and playing NHStart™ today!

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User reviews

‘I just couldn’t wait any longer and had to jump the queue with a reasonably costed NHStart loan.’ – Patient X

‘I accidentally diverted an emergency ambulance when ordering my repeat prescription.’ – Patient Y

‘I was constantly reminded that I couldn’t put a price on health and finally I succumbed to purchasing a recurring monthly contract.’ – Patient Z

‘After a number of failed attempts, I was eventually able to select the exact sequence of symptoms for the algorithm to take me seriously.‘ – Patient XYZ

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Small print: NHStart is not appropriate for anyone and is definitely not an alternative to internet search engines or conversing with unknown experts on social media. Any resemblance to actual pre-existing or future healthcare advice is purely coincidental. Systematic roll-out of NHStart artificial intelligence systems is entirely dependent on the leanings of your political elite, lobbyists and media organisations, and any financial interests they may have with commercial partners.